Turning Back Time…
Last month… I had a very peculiar experience..
Once in a lifetime.. that I could go on to that extreme.. of wanting something..
And.. poof… it was gone like smoke.
My heart was crumbling to pieces…
Who should be blamed?
I don’t know… but, I know I was trying my best not to repeat the old mistakes..
I tried to keep my feeling deep down under, and not exploding too much. Being too much impulsive has been my biggest mistakes these whole time.. so, I was trying to stay calm.. Though, in my heart, the feeling was bubbling like hot soup and wanting to be together all the time.
I know this feeling, It’s not an impulsive, one time only feeling.. It’s a feeling of wanting to protect something so much precious. A feeling that gives me unlimited power and courage, to even low my self and humbling on expecting the other party’s happiness.
Yet, poof… something happened, it was all gone.
I was sure.. it was the way.. I was sure.. we were made for each other.. I was sure.. 100%.. that we would be together and live happily ever after..
I was sure.. and I’m a man of belief, If I said A, it will be A no matter what happened.
Yet, again.. poof… it was gone in an instance.
That evening, I was too much tired, and thinking about her burden, I cried… (come on) in the car.. I was thinking about her.
That evening, I took an early sleep, after Maghrib pray…
We had plan already for wednesday.. please.. I was not trying to push everything too fast.. so I was playing slow…
And.. waking up at 2 a.m.. the news arrived.
I was so angry… how could she betray our agreement..
I was trying to calm my self… I didn’t want to be a jerk. I kept saying her to be happy… and, I wouldn’t be a problem nor anything matter again in the future.. because she chose to be like that.
I was trying to sleep to my best… and finally, after subuh I fell unconcious.
Returning to office…… I kept saying.. “You’re stupid, why did you choose that path.. why?? What did I do wrong this time… you’re just making things so complicated”
I tried to convince her to cancel it… she said she cared about the other party’s feeling…. but… maybe she didn’t care about mine….
It was a very short introduction between us. But I know when I know it… it was meant to be forever..
Not the duration that matters.. It’s about how it went………
I couldn’t say anything more…
I’m still feeling crushed right now.
She once told me to wait till september, but, yesterday, she blocked my whatsapp…
I don’t know how I would move on from this one.
This thing is unbearable.. my head is pushed down so low..
I would beg to my lowest form to get her back..
I will sell my soul..
It’s all meaningless now.
All the effort.. of me getting to this point. I’m clueless.
If just I could turn back time, I would go to her parents right at that night.. and made it happen… but, unfortunately, I’m not a wizard, far more to be able to go to the past.